1 year

A year ago, the day was as grey and as wet as it is today.
A year ago, I woke up in pain from an arthrocenthesis that was supposed to improve my right TMJ condition. It made it much worse. It permanently displaced the disc (anterior to the condyle), limiting considerably any lower jaw movement, and it caused constant moderate to severe pain on the entire right side of my head. It is as bad as a chronic migrane should be.

365 days of pain.
I have lived 365 days of constant pain. Physical and psychological. More are yet to come.

Many say I should face it as part of a learning process, from which I shall become a better and stronger person, a more humble and thankful human being, accepting as a bless life's small and simple joys. At the moment, all this sounds like bullshit to me.
If anything, the past 365 days of pain have made me a sad, dark and angry person. It reduced me in all aspects of life. It forced me to put my whole life on hold, seeing my dreams passing by, unable to reach them. It made me unfit to work and to continue with my research studies - my passion. It took from me all the joy and willingness of getting out of bed, of going out, of being with others. It planted deep inside me anguish, helplessness. Above all, I feel I have failed, as I couldn't go on with my life as it used to be. I wasn't, and I'm still not physically strong or mentally prepared to continue with my life as it used to be. I feel I have failed.

But my family and closest friends haven't. They have never stopped supporting me and believing in me - believing I am strong enough to to face this. They have shown me that I am in fact surrounded by the best people I could wish for.

So today - this day - I dedicate it to them.
I thank you all for your words of courage and friendship, for your love and affection, for your concern, for your smile.  Most of these come from miles away but, despite the distance, they prove you're in this journey with me.
To my family - I am grateful for all you have done for me. All the good there is in me, I owe it to you. All of you are in my thoughts every day. I just wish I could have a hug and a kiss from each of you in the mornings and every night before going to bed - it would make things more bearable to me.
To Davide, I have no words... There are no words to thank him enough for all. For taking care of me, for being with me in every single moment of this battle. I hope one day I'll be able to show him how much I love him, the same way he shows me everyday.


Recently, a very good friend told me, asking me to read between the lines: "there was no better person for this to happen". These words got me thinking in all that has happen in the past year and in writing this post. I guess I understood what he meant. "J.", you're damn right I'm strong enough for this!

Thank you!