It has been some time since my last post.
The past few weeks have been specially difficult for me. My pain is worsening.
Maybe it is due to my habituation to tramadol.
Maybe it is because my TMJ is rapidly deteriorating with time, while I wait for the surgery to fix it.
Maybe I am just too tired both physically and mentally to cope with it.
Maybe it is related to stress and anxiety of having my whole life on hold because of this damned illness.
My whole life on hold because of this damned illness.
Since I started the blog, my days are mostly spent at home, a sad routine of bed-wc-desk-window-sofa-bed. I had to suspend my PhD research. I am unable to work.
I have failed once more. And this time worse than ever.
I started the blog "not to feel lost and alone, as writing always made me feel better. Writing makes it easier for me to accept reality." It turns out that it doesn't.
Being aware of more (oh much more!) people out there suffering as I am, some even more than me!, has made me a sadder, more depressed person. I have received messages I am unable to read them fully - words are too painful, and I am sure they don't describe a fraction of the suffering behind them. I am unable to read them fully as I can't hold myself from crying. I cry and I grieve for this person's misery and my own. I haven't replied to these messages yet.
My body feels pain. My mind thinks pain. Every day, hour, minute and second. My whole life is pain.
I need a break.
As I can't have a break from my disorder and physical pain, I have decided to stop writing my TMJ diaries for a while, a few days only. Just enough to breath a little of the life outside my home walls and my own walls.
Tomorrow I am travelling to Paris to spend a few days with my dearest friend T.. I will continue my story when I get back home, hopefully all freshened up! And if you are waiting for my response, you are not forgotten - I am simply gathering words and enough courage to write back to you. I promise I will.
Until then, I leave you all with a smile :)
Oh, Ana, it breaks my heart to hear how much you're suffering and that this blog has only brought you more pain. I'm glad you're taking a little time away to get more perspective. I'm sure all your readers can understand and will be supportive.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps you any I started having TMJ pain last November but it has gotten significanty better in the last 2 months.
My treatments have been getting a hard splint at the dentist, taking Amitriptyline 5-10mg daily (I was suprised to hear about the negative side effects you experienced as this has been a life saver for my depression and anxiety), also clonazepan at night although I'm off it now, and 1-2 weekly chiropractor visits for TENS on my jaw and adjusting my neck and back. This is along with all the conservative measures (ibuprofen or naprosyn although I no longer take), heat/ice, soft diet although I have resumed a regular diet, and also glucosamine/chondroitin, vitamin D, Ca/Mg/Zn and multivitamin supplements. Yoga 1-2 times a week has helped me as well. I see a psychiatrist monthly for the anxiety/depression medication management, saw an ENT to rule out ear problems, saw an oral surgeon who said surgery isn't necesarry at this point, and had an MRI of my jaw done which came back normal. I am in the US.
I hope this gives you some hope. It does sound like your case is more complex and severe than mine but there was a point for me where I lost all hope and I have definately come around the bend. I wish you well and look forward to reading more of your story when you return from your trip.